Life is never a straight line from one point to the next. It bends and winds and twists all over at times, which can be enough to deal with when your internal compass works the way it's supposed to.
David Tokley’s compass was forever altered a little over five months ago when he was shot in the head while trying to help a neighbour’s children on Bradshaw Drive last August. The bullet from Ricky BIlcke’s gun could have done a lot more damage to Tokley, and doctors who operated on Tokley called it a miracle.
These days, miracles don’t feel the same for him.
“When it gets cold out like it is today, that gives me a whole new meaning to the term brain freeze,” Tokley said, jokingly pointing to the missing section of his skull. “It doesn’t take much for me to get cold now, even when I’m wearing a hat.”
If everything goes according to plan, that missing piece of skull will be replaced on January 24 via another surgery. Then he’ll have to hope his body doesn’t reject it or the area can fight off any potential infection. It’s just the latest in a growing line of realities Tokley has to deal with daily now.
“I get night tremors, and I deal with the PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as well,” he said. “That’s a big thing, and my memory has become an issue. Just this past weekend I was out and I knew where I was going, but I got turned around and wound up being lost for five hours. I couldn’t find any wifi to help me figure out where I was, and people were out looking for me. I was lucky and a kind old lady found me and saw I was struggling because I had no clue where I was. She helped get me home.”
Home for Tokley is now in Cambridge. He moved there shortly after his release from hospital, in part to recover with family close by but also because of the new reality he was facing. Unable to resume his job, Tokley was forced to go on unemployment while he sought other means of help. It didn’t make things better when he got lost in the shuffle after moving out of Stratford, as victim services lost track of his file following his relocation. He called his local office for victim services, but the system was slow to respond to his needs.
“After I got out of the hospital, I sat by the phone waiting to hear something,” he said. “I wound up having to do a lot of the calling on my own. It wasn’t until I posted on Facebook over the holidays that things really changed.”
Tokley posted to social media right around Christmas that he was struggling, partly from the depression his PTSD had brought on but also due in part to his situation. Being unable to work, his income dried up and that left him to find ways to stretch his unemployment benefits in ways that didn’t include shopping for presents. The post referred to his feeling left behind and how he was hurting, letting people know he wasn’t okay.
“Financially it has been really, really tough for me,” he said. “I couldn’t stay in the house (in Stratford) because I couldn’t afford it, not to mention the memories it was bringing back. But I have to stretch every dollar I get from my benefits – $738 every two weeks doesn’t go very far, and I have to cover rent, medical expenses, food for myself and for my dog. People have been helping get me to my appointments, so I want to help them with gas money because that’s not cheap either.”
Tokley found out he’ll be eligible to apply for Canada Pension Plan disability benefits once his unemployment runs out, so it’s just one more thing he adds to the list. Since he posted on Facebook about his struggles, Tokley says he’s slowly finding himself in a better place as the days pass. While he can’t enjoy playing video games like he used to and he gets turned around pretty easily when he goes somewhere, he’s learning his limitations and is doing whatever he can to make today a good day for him.
“I don’t know I’ll ever get to feeling like I’ll be okay after what I went through, but I take it day by day and think positive things,” he said. “That night took a lot away from me – my job, my home – and I’m tired of being depressed. But I’m trying. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to work again, but I’m trying to move on.”
Even with the struggles, the memory issues and the new reality around his physical health, Tokley will think about that August night and his actions only for a second before saying he would do it again.
“All that mattered to me was making sure the kids were safe because I heard them scream and that’s all I could think about,” he said. “I think about how close I came to dying, and I still would do what I did again for the little ones. I needed to know they were safe because they still have a future in front of them.”
